Even though few Whites have heard a thing about it, Negroes — of all ages and sexes — secretly perform a boisterous Chimpanzee ritual called “Cheshi Tumbili” (Funny Monkey) in the privacy of their subPRIMATE mortgage homes and away from any prying White eyes. During this activity, they drink the intoxicating malt beverage “Colt-45″ and smoke copious amounts of narcotic substances, like crack cocaine or cheap Mexican skunkweed. The rare photograph above shows us two, possibly on the “down-low,” Negroes doing the Funny Monkey — now thought to be vestigial behavior from the days of darkest Africa!
PART II OF MY GROUNDBREAKING “BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL” RESEARCH PROJECT: “STEALTH RACIST” TECHNIQUES FOR THE BEGINNING NEGRO FIELD RESEARCHER.
After revealing to the world my on-going anthropological work on the Africanus-American species in North America with my “Black is Beautiful” Field Work Progress…” report, my email and phone has been going off the hook from wannabee researchers, all wishing to contribute to my studies. So I’ve decided to take you, the budding Primate Researcher, under my wing and pass along some stealthy tips to help you on your way!chimp-toy
The most important tool that I always take with me into the field, is a small white box about 2.5″ x 2″ with holes on one side; which is a simple, but highly effective sound device not requiring any batteries and fits nicely in the palm of your hand. You can easily find them in any large pet store by looking for boxes of furry toys, some look like ducks, some like cats. Look for the monkey one and give it a squeeze — you’ll be able to feel a box buried inside and it’ll cost about $6 or $7 dollars.
Please note: The tug toys do not always look like the one shown here, but the noise boxes all make the exact same sound of Chimpanzees screeching away, or a good representation of upset juvenile Negroes – what us researchers technically refer to as Niglets. One squeeze on this noise-maker will emit a chimp-in-distress call for about 4 seconds (sounds below).
What would have totally grossed you out while shopping in the past, is but another exciting research opportunity for the properly equipped Primate Field Researcher!
Everyone has had it happen before: You’re in a rush to get cold beer and are going down some aisle in a grocery store — when you find your way totally blocked by some giant, food-stamping Sheboon in stretch pants, all bent over and stupidly spending an eternity deciding on what brand of beans to buy or something equally inane. And all you want to do is get past that massive set of Negress-buttocks blocking the entire dam aisle, before you get a disgusting eyeful of soiled underwear or find yourself exposed to her breaking foul wind in your direction.
Now, as a suitably equipped Negrologist, you can look at such situations as a valuable scientific opportunity!
Holding your nose as you carefully circumnavigate that humongous Negro rear-end, you simply give your handy Negro Noise-maker a tap in your pocket. That’s right! You don’t even need to remove it to make it work and, with practice, you can control the volume with your hand over your pocket. Walk straight ahead and don’t look back until just far enough down the aisle to dodge any thrown cans of beans. Observe the reactions of your subject. Often, at this point, I’ll give it another quick tap as the Sheboon looks around in ape-like confusion, helplessly trying to triangulate on the sound. I call this technique “The Drive-By.”
You do have to be careful, however. Other nearby Negroes hearing the Chimp distress signal will often try to climb the nearest tree they can find and, should no trees exist in your store, any product display will suffice. They may jump on a pile of on-sale bananas or watermelons and start emitting Chimp-like noises of their own. When that happens, I suggest departing the scene immediately. More and more Negroes will soon join in the primate screeching, creating a cacophony of jungle sounds that will quickly alert store security or any animal rights activists (liberals) who happen to be shopping at the time.
pacinoWalk away swiftly. You should probably dispose of the Noise-making device by casually dropping it down beside your leg, just like Pacino did with his pistol in The Godfather Italian restaurant scene.
Another all-too-typical experience, I had just the other day while getting gas at a Costco, was when a Negress failed to make note of the car at the far pump leaving and instead of pulling up, she took the closest pump. This White guy, in another car next in line to the Negress, angrily pulled ahead and did a complicated back-up to get at the pump ahead of her. I pulled-up next in line behind the Sheboon, who was wearing the usual way-too-tight pink top with matching pink daisy earrings and Negroishly ignoring everyone else as she went about her day. I figured the Boon more than deserved the treatment.
Taking out my Negro Noise-maker, I held it up next to the driver’s side-view mirror and gave it a squeeze, emitting the appropriate Chimp screeching; carefully I modulated the sound direction by moving it from side to side just behind the mirror to confuse the Negress subject. Some White guy, not more than 4′ away on the other side of the fuel pump, seemed not to notice whatsoever — that’s usually the case, nearby Whites just don’t pick up on jungle noises in urban, temperate environments.
I squeezed the box only twice before the Negress looked around with that curiously blank, Gorilla-like stare they all have — you know, those vacant eyes and pursed-lip expression — as she vainly looked around for Niglets in distress. She even gave the nostril flare. That’s always nice. Nostril flares are more common that you’d expect, but still nice.
But most of the time, you’ll find that you use your Negro Noise-maker well outside of Negro hearing. In fact, I probably use mine much more this way. And I highly suggest that all you beginners do the same. Let’s say you’re in a parking lot with your friends and you see a troupe of Negroes across the way. You’ll make the sound just to alert your fellow Negrologists of the primate group movement. They’ll appreciate the heads-up and have a happy chuckle, too!
crackheadBut, on the occasion, I’ve used the Negro Noise-maker quite openly. Some crack-head Negro was arguing about pocket-change with a check-out clerk and the line was piling up behind. Summing up the situation, I checked for exits and made note of the other customers nearby — then I gave the side of my pocket a quick tap. The crack-head spun around, frantically looking for another crack monkey in trouble, perhaps from animal control (police).
Somehow I managed, but just barely, to keep from bursting out laughing. As usual, the drug-addled Negro brain could not put two and two together about where the sound was coming from and ran out of the store in a huff, even leaving his Colt 45 malt beverage behind — believe it or not!
Stay tuned to this blog for more stories from the field. Add your own experiences in the comment section below. Be careful, too. Negroes are unpredictable and violent animals, as I’m certain you well know. Use your device with the utmost discretion. But simply having one in your car, even out of earshot of Negroes, can take away the stress of those normal, day-to-day urban encounters!
That’s right, Billy Dee! As you gain experience, you’ll find that certain grocery items will aid you in attracting research subjects. Another sure-fire attractant area, the watermelon section (where I stalked and bagged the fat trophy buck seen below), is always a smart bet to reconnoiter on your “hunt!”
This is the typical, confused ape-like expression you’ll most often see, as they look around in vain for the source of Chimps in distress. Almost always, when alone, they’ll avoid eye contact with any nearby Whites — however, I highly recommend that any beginning researcher stay away from the violence-prone males of the species. Also, have your exit and lines of escape well-plotted out in advance. Regardless of anything else, keeping a straight face will be the biggest challenge facing you!
This a much better set-up for a beginner researcher: The Niglet is obviously attempting to shoplift something, while his Aunt Jemima checks how many food stamps she has with her today. If anyone tries to make a stink about your research, you can just indignantly say “That little, African American youth – always-so-oppressed – was trying to stick some frozen corndogs down his pants!” It’s not like anyone won’t believe you.
Often-times, there is little likelihood that your subjects will hear one dam thing whatsoever. You’ll just have to take inner satisfaction for a job well-done as you, the seasoned Negrologist, smile pleasantly and stand there with your hands on your hips.
One bad side affect in using the noise device is that it sub-sonically attracts the most odoriferous and fecund (i. e. they smell like shit) Crack Hos from a 3 block radius, so I’d strongly suggest using it sparingly in places where you’d prefer not having a serious Crack Hoage infestation.
In certain urban situations, it may behoove you to refrain from using your Negro Noise-maker, even if sorely tempted. Unless, of course, you have a properly equipped fellow White research assistant to back you up (below).
Although not exactly concealable, the electric-powered Gatling gun is perfect for Negro crowd-control and can do double-duty mounted on your vehicle, for the ultimate in road-rage accessories!
A brave fellow researcher captured the facinating piece of footage above, while doing a documentary for the Animal Planet. He actually had the cojoñes to visit a tribal gathering to give us a up-close view. Various chimp-like twitters, screeching and howling may be heard in the background — just watch, if you don’t believe me!
— Dr. INCOG MAN
You can go to this link to hear, “The Funny Monkey Tapes,” — secret recordings made of the Negro private ritual “Cheshi Tumbili.” Warning: will also drive any nearby pets crazy!
NOTE: I always keep several of these Negro Noise-makers handy. If you have a husband, wife or girlfriend with a dog, you can give her the tug toy and then casually ask her for the noise maker back later, after her pet is through tearing the toy up (just pretend it wasn’t the point of the gift to begin with). Or just remove it beforehand. This adds to your stock of Noise devices fairly cheaply!
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